Yesterday things were out of hand

lotmhlakmoaintoh;nae;rgklnw;lekmwl!!!!

I am feeling significantly better. I am actually downright perky. This episode of sickness came at the end of a depressive episode so now that both are fading I'm very excited to be alive. Directing Laboratory this morning was thrilling - one of those days where I marvel at how I ended up surrounded by such brilliantly creative people. Listening to my classmates' visions of 4.48 Psychosis and The Cenci, I was awestruck. How did I land here? Only God.

Today we also had a little mini Positivity Circle. Positivity Circle is something that started last year, when I was talking with Val, who quickly became a cherished friend of mine (Someone: Val is one of my designers. Sean: What is she designing? Happiness?). When I asked her how she was, she said that she was tired (standard PHTS student response), and then said, "But I had a great time last night and got so much done. So it's a good tired," and we had a conversation about focusing on the good instead of the tired. Then we decided we should do this every week, and it grew into Positivity Circle. We'd all go around sharing positive things that had happened to us that day, or problems we were having that so that we could get support and positive energy from the group. Yes, we were a little bit ridiculous, but in a good way.

It's difficult to get all of us together at any given time, so for now, Positivity Circle as it once was is a bit on a hold. Some of us sat outside happily today, and we introduced the idea to some first years. I've realized that I need the time to be positive in my life, and that I love sharing that with other people, so whether or not Positivity Circle is going to catch on this semester, I have pledged to devote that awkward half-hour during which many people are on break to being really, really happy and giving that to others. I try to live my life that way, but it's difficult and I know I fall short. So 1-1:30 on Fridays is devoted to being absurdly positive. Rah!

Besides that, I'm working to keep up the momentum. When I climbed Lookout Mountain this summer, I was fascinated by the process of descending (largely because of writing a fantasy novel). Provided I could see a good stopping space so as to keep me safe, I found it was easier and less treacherous to run down the mountain than to walk it. As long as I kept my feet light and in the air as much as possible, the momentum would help me. (Gravity is free.) If I felt my feet start to slip and trip, I'd jump off of that foot and try another landing, because you can only trip when your feet are in contact with something. In the air, you're fine. If I can keep the momentum of the day going, it can carry me forward instead of allowing me to fall backwards. This navigation is particularly tricky on Wednesdays, but I'm learning it. Another thing I hear in theater school, when doing physical exercises is, "Your confidence will keep you safe." That's because intensely physical exercises, particularly with a partner where physical danger is possible, it's very easy to freeze up, but that hesitation is what causes accidents. The momentum keeps you safe. I'm trying to remember this as I am absolutely terrified about everything that lies ahead of me.

Because I am. I am repeating to myself, "Do not freak out about casting, do not freak out about casting, do not freak out about casting." There is an e-mail that I have been avoiding to send for MONTHS. It's ridiculous how afraid I am when God, at this point, is SLAPPING ME IN THE FACE TO JUST DO IT. I've realized givens about me that I'm cripplingly afraid of rejection, failure, and confrontation. I'm calling them givens because they're there, naturally, and trying to deny them is stupid... how can I use this wasted energy to my advantage? I'm not there yet, but I do want to be, which is a start. (How often have I talked to one of my best friends and said, "Just do it, who cares?!" which is easy to say when it's not you who has to do it. Sawdust and plank, I suppose. Sigh.)

So working on that. My teachers are intensely pushing me towards my fears and that's fabulous, because this is a safe place to explore them. I also have to keep in mind that being stopped by fear is lack of perfect submission to God's will. I would actually prefer to be lazy and hate my life working in a cubicle than to face my fears, and I'm unsure why everyone kept talking about my "leadership abilities" in middle and high school. But God's will, not mine, be done.

I have to share how weird and awesome it is that my friend Carolyn is at PHTS. Carolyn is a first year this year, and we went to high school together. (This now makes three ARGS students at PHTS, Sam, Carolyn, and myself, with a year gap in between each of us. WEIRD!) It's also great because Carolyn was actually one of my best friends in high school, from the moment we were the only two people who cut off at the right time on that quarter note that first day of show choir and just looked at each other. From the moment I started at PHTS, I thought, "Carolyn would do really well here." It's beautiful to see her in the halls. I posted a sign at PHTS searching for sound/voice collaborators, and Carolyn knew it was my sign immediately because it was the font I always use for my signs and notices. (Lucinda Console. Rock it!) And of COURSE she would recognize it. I posted things on the callboard all the time when I was in high school, for shows I was working on or directing, or for International Thespian Society notices (I was President. As was Sam. As was Carolyn). When she told me about her recognition, it brought back so much. I think I like being reminded of it, but it's bizarre. I'm sure Sam must have had a similar experience when I would see him in some costume down the hallway and would say, "Sam, I haven't seen you in shorts that short since Grease."

Crazy. Crazier is that I'm doing what I can to set up a meeting between someone I went to high school with and one of my teachers. While they're in Utah. (This is largely because if I love your work, I'm extraordinarily vocal about it and will encourage anyone and everyone I know who can and should see it to go. Just ask Elizabeth.)

Must press forward. Everything in the world requires me to research John Cage. My set design, a presentation for Directing Laboratory... it's ridiculous. I think it's the universe getting back at me for being in Black Mountain with NO IDEA.