And they'll know we are Christians by our love

"One of the scribes came near and heard them disputing with one another, and seeing that he answered them well, he asked him, 'Which commandment is the first of all?' Jesus answered, 'The first is, 'Hear, O Israel: the Lord our God, the Lord is one; you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.' The second is this, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these.'" - Mark 12: 28-31

"And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love." - 1 Corinthians 13:13

I am lucky enough to be well-loved by an astounding number of people.

The love that I have experienced has led me to two conclusions that might be unpopular.

1. Love is a choice.
2. Love is an action.

Yes, often love starts with a little tug towards someone else, that you maybe can't explain. Some intrigue. A little mysterious something that draws you to another person. Absolutely. It's often this way with all love, not just "romantic love". We are, on a very basic level, attracted to each other, as friends or lovers or the millions of undefinable relationships. But after a point, you choose to love that person. There comes a time when something about that other person bothers you or you get hurt or something, but you make a choice that you are still going to love that person. (I'm not even talking about marriages here, though I think the high divorce rate is partially because people don't realize that love is a choice.) We're all humans and we're all going to disagree with each other. And when those disagreements happen, you make a choice. To love or not to love. (Or, some people don't make a choice. This is usually deadly.)

As such, love is an action. When you say "I love you," "love" is used as a verb. This seems pretty clear to me, but I think since so many people see love as a strange emotional accident and never claim it as a choice, they never see it as something you do. They see it as something that happens to you. The state of attraction that being "in love" brings is something that we don't know how to define. It's an attraction that we cannot intellectually understand so we have affixed this label on it. But in fact, love is much broader than the emotional state of being "in love". And even from that state there are choices to be made and action to be taken.

I also know a good number of people who love me for absolutely no reason. They probably found reasons after they started loving me, but the moment I was accepted at PHTS, all the people there started loving me. They didn't know me at all. They made a choice to love me, and they continually take action to love me. They nurture me and they kick my behind, as actions of love. You could say that's their job, and I'd only agree with you by saying that they have decided to make it their job. I'm sure there is nothing in their contracts that says that they have to love as much as they do. There's nothing in my acting teacher's contract saying she has to think about our scenes while she's washing dishes and e-mail us her thoughts. There is nothing in my design teacher's contract that says that he has to spend an exorbitant amount of time and energy on our midterm conferences. There's nothing in any of my voice and speech teachers' contracts to say they have to meet with me outside of class to help me sift through my ranting about my attraction to voice work. There's nothing in the contract of the woman who schedules all of our classes that says that she has to put herself through scheduling hell just to make sure that we get the electives we want. There are people who leave their jobs at their workplace, and my teachers could choose to go home and do the minimum, but they don't. They choose to care. They choose to love. And that is why the quality of education at PHTS is so incredible.

I use PHTS as an example because it's the largest colony of actively loving people I know, and I'm blessed to be there. But even outside of PHTS, there are so many people from churches, retreats, other schools, and that love me in a beautiful way.

I had a rough time at the very beginning of the summer, before I left for Montreat. Remember the Tennessee Williams quote I posted earlier? "We all use each other and that's what we think of as love, and not being able to use each other is what's hate." I felt, for the first time, as if one of my very best friends had no more use for me. I felt not so much replaceable but disposable. Or, kept around out of habit more than out of desire. She would say she wanted me around, or wanted to talk, but her actions said, "I have no use of you anymore." And after a very long, intimate friendship, that hurt extremely deeply. (I tend to have a pretty thick skin, except, it seems, when it comes to this particular friend. I think it goes back to my intimacy issues. Anyway.)

So I e-mailed one of my teachers about it. I e-mailed him in particular because generally when I have conversations with him he makes my head explode a little, which is a good thing. It was a short e-mail that was both extremely angsty and genuinely sad. This man does not take BS. Angst is BS. I didn't know whether he would respond to the angst, the sadness, or at all. Answer? He responded to both. In two separate e-mails. (Well played!) Because he chose to care, which means a lot. He sent me a quote, which, in true Colleen fashion, I obsessed over for a little bit.

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing." - Anais Nin

After initial confusion, and a lot of rumination, the phrase, "It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals," hit me, and I realized that that was what was preventing me from knowing how to replenish the source of my love.

Because while it's not in any of my teacher's contracts to love like they do, it IS in my contract. Actually. My religion's greatest commandment is to love. Love God and thy neighbor. Love in the face of hate. Love when you're beaten down. Love when you're hurt. Love those who hurt you. Love anyway. Love despite. Love because. Love when it goes against your instincts. Love when it is the hardest thing to do.

It's remarkable how many people who call themselves Christians forget that this is the greatest commandment. It's appalling how many Christians I know who specifically choose to hate instead of love. Love cannot be emphasized enough. It is the basis of our religion, of our commandments. Most other things fall into place when we actually choose to actively love everyone. You can pull out your Leviticus all you want, but the law of Christ is love. It is the completion of the law. It is, ultimately, why I am a Christian, because a lifestyle based on radical love is one that I believe in and can commit to. Yes it is hard. It is really hard and it was really hard in those few days before I left for Montreat and after this schism had happened to grit my teeth and move forward and constantly say, "Colleen, you're going to love her. You're hurt and you might not like her right now, but you're going to love her." And I had varying degrees of success with that. There were moments the love dropped and I lashed out with hate. Things are pretty good between us right now, but there are still moments the hurt shows through, but I have to constantly strive to love, and ultimately, the more difficult road of love and positivity feels better than the easier judgment and negativity.

An unexpected side effect of this wrestling with myself to love is a newfound appreciation for choice and action. I used to waste a lot of energy doubting people's intentions. Thinking, "She doesn't actually want to be here with me right now," or "He's only doing this because he feels obligated to." There is a place for keen emotional observation, especially if you're in leadership or collaborative positions, to help things moving along. But most of the time, instead of using that as useful observation, we convert it to self-deprecating energy. I mentioned how beautiful the Theta planning team has been about all the sound problems that we're experiencing right now, always being positive and supportive. They very well could have been cursing us all up there in their heads, but the point is, they chose to be positive about it, and in the end, that is what matters. It is a happier place to live to be grateful for people's choices than to second-guess their intentions, especially because I know nothing more powerful than a choice.

I came to Montreat knowing I needed to work on love. Being here, studying the Bible, listening to speakers, it has become vividly clear that the call of the Christian is to love radically. This focus resonates with me in so many different ways and is shaping my thoughts wildly. I must keep it at the forefront of my mind as I go back into the world in a few weeks. I don't want to take the name of Christian without taking the responsibility that comes with it. "Love, love, love, love; Christians this is our call: Love our neighbor as ourselves, for God loves us all."

"'I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you also should love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.'" - John 13: 34-35