I have touched the face of God, touching the wrinkled old face of a woman...

I've been rather quiet lately. On the blog, in life. Not literally, I guess. I speak. But I've been saying a lot less and listening a lot more. It's not that I don't have things to say... but what I have to say is deceptively simple. And along the ideas of "what you have to say"... I feel like when we say that we have something we want to say (an phrase that comes up a lot in theater school when creating work - "what do you want to say to the world?"), we really mean that we want the audience to have a revelation and therefore completely understand something. I'm not convinced that's the best way to frame things. Each audience member is in a different place along a different journey, and I think all we can do, and all we ought to do, is guide them. Let them drink if they will--do not force their heads into the water so that they'll drink. You can never save people. You can do everything you can to help them but what you're trying to help them to do is save themselves, or else the cycle will never be broken.

When we come upon suffering in life, the greatest power we have is to love it. Not desire it--that's when you get into self-destructive behavior--but love it. Because once we truly love suffering, it no longer exists. The trick is, if we try to love in order to get rid of it... we never actually love it. It's a paradox that exists throughout mythology and religion, and is supremely prevalent in Christianity. "Whoever wants to gain his life must lose it." "The first must be last." Christ had to fully die in order to be raised to life, and knowing the end of the story couldn't make the dying less.

I've often heard people say, "It's when I stopped looking that I found the right person." I've heard religiously-minded folk say, "It's when I decided it was just me and God that my spouse came along." I had a terribly awful time getting over my last relationship--understandably so, as it was off-and-on (more often on) for four and a half years. It finally ENDED last May, and even after I had gotten over that specific person, I was not over wanting to be in a relationship. I tried to play the single-person-looking-for-a-relationship game and found it beyond frustrating. It was one of those moments when I said, "What if I just gave it all up, the whole idea of being in a relationship, and simply love God?" And that was NOT easy, and I caught myself daily asking, "Okay, have I done enough? Can I have a person now?" instead of allowing myself to live where I was instead of grasping at fruitless strands. (The turn that eventually took was not what I expected, but makes a lot of sense.)

But that's the challenge. Not to knock ambition or progress, but I feel like at least those of us in America don't need anything more about those said to us. They're drilled into our heads to the point where I think we don't know the value of loving what you have, the state you are in, instead of constantly running away or trying to change it.

All that is to say:

When you suffer, love it.

Love the heartbreak, love not getting sleep, love the random twinges of pain that stop you on the street, love the song that reminds you of things you'd rather forget, love the raw throats, love the tired eyes, love it love it love it. The secret is not that love conquers all, but rather that love transforms all, because once you truly love suffering, it ceases to be suffering. Though, it's easier to forget that secret in order to truly love. Skipping to the end doesn't work. It's not about getting somewhere. It's about loving through every moment.

I was chatting with a second year who was having some artistic crisis issues (as you do in second year), and I said, "Life isn't about accomplishments," and she said, "It's not?" and we argued about that for a while. No. It's not. You work so hard and get something and then what? There's always this moment of being frozen or disappointed because not all your problems are solved because there's the giant question of what to do next. Accomplishments are nice, sure, but they're not the point. The point is traveling through daily life.

I went to the Cloisters last week. If you don't know, the Cloisters is a museum (branch of the Met in Washington Heights) that houses Medieval Art and is built from the stones of old cloisters. When you go, you get off the subway and then walk through Fort Tryon Park, which is the park that reminds me the most of the mountains of NC. I LOVE the Cloisters, and going to the Cloisters is actually the most temptation-filled thing for me, because of the very real temptation monastic life holds for me. In the Cloisters, there are two cloisters that are preserved/restored/recreated... the St. Guilhem Cloister and the Cuxa Cloister (with a chapterhouse attached). Last week when I was there, I was walking through the St. Guilhem Cloister (the white one, for those of you who've been there), just walking and contemplating God, and I thought, "This is what heaven must be like. Walking in a square, contemplating God." I shared that thought with one of my teachers, who noted that that activity was outside the confines of time. Because that is an activity that cannot be rushed because it's not about accomplishment. It's not like, "I must get to the corner!" It's, "I must be here and do something that has no end."

What has helped me in this is loving God. Because the secret is, God is in every thing. In every moment. There are religious folk who say, "This is of God and this is not of God." I am not one of them. I cannot presume to judge in that way and I cannot deny God's sovereignty like that. I believe there are things, actions, events that make God grieve but God is there to grieve. So how could life be me running away trying to find God off somewhere far away when all I have to do is look and listen where I am? For God is there. God is here. God is everywhere. God is in everyone.

At this moment in my life, being in a relationship with a person does not even begin to make sense to me, because I am in a relationship with God. I am in love with God, which means I am in love with everyone. Why would I limit that to one person? That may very well change, I admit that, as I continue to move forward in this. But I'm not counting on it, I'm not waiting for it, I am more content than I've ever been. I've taken to hanging around places where people may be stressed... such as tech weeks, or the 3rd Floor Lobby when the 2nd year Collab class gets out, so that I can be a calm, loving presence. It's the best use of my time. And yesterday, as I was sitting there, one of the second years gave me a crown of thorns. "Colleen, do you want a crown of thorns? It seems the most appropriate."

Also yesterday, one of my fellow designers for Zoo Story said, "You know Colleen, I'm more jealous of what you and God have than what Dylan and Michael have." (Dylan and Michael being the cutest couple of our class.) Well. God and I aren't exclusive. You just have to be willing to die.