I'm weary with my former toil, here I will sit and rest a while

A few of you (not many, but a few), may remember the genesis of this blog.  I was fresh out of my second year of college, a year which used to be notoriously draining in my specific program of study.  I had done lots of shows on a heavy workload, felt spiritually disconnected, and so I started working at Montreat, a Presbyterian conference center in North Carolina as a way to both decompress from the year and go through a kind of spiritual boot camp, particularly in the "rebuilding after my high school period of agnosticism" realm, getting my prayer life, etc, back in order.  And I said some things, way back then, about what such a busy year had taught me, and one of those things was that "I'd never do that many shows at one time again".

Which is funny.

Because I never did less than that ever again.  What I did second year became my minimum.  Now I'm just crazy with the amount of shows and work I take on.  I graduated from college last May and since then have worked on over 25 shows in a major capacity (as a designer, assistant designer, stage manager, or dramaturge… 18 of those as a designer), which does not count shows that are in development and have not gone up yet or shows I came in and engineered, ran, or helped tech.  While I am by no means the busiest designer around, that's still a lot (and the busier ones tend to have assistants and interns).  I mean, the nice thing in all of this is that somehow, without meaning to, I ended up with a career.  (two shows I designed are going international this summer, and I have already turned down four shows for this summer.)  But at times I wonder about the cost of that career.

Beyond sheer workload, this past year has been one of my craziest.  It has been very disjointed, exhausting, and confusing.  I don't necessarily count these as bad things, but it has been trying.  It's all to be expected, of course.  I am a recently graduated theater major starting life as a freelancer in New York City.  While that transition was made much easier by many choices I made in college, particularly my last semester, it's still an unnerving place to be, and it takes a while to figure out how to structure a life for oneself particularly when there is no consistency to your schedule.  (For the record, I haven't figured it out.)   The freelance life, the continual challenge of developing my spiritual life in a very secular environment, and the sudden, intense reemergence of a love life (what?  I forgot I had one of those) unbalanced me for a time.  Which is why this blog has petered out, because nothing was clear to me, how could I possibly hope to make anything clear to others?

By the time the second week of May hit, I could feel myself slowing down.  I was unable to work as quickly as I know I can.  Any time I was not working I was sleeping.  Then I stopped being able to sleep well because of the stress.  All of this made one of my techs a much harder one than it would have been because I just couldn't function like I could a year ago.  I had the weird experience of waking up in the morning, mentally and emotionally awake, and my eyes refusing to stay open, my body refusing to move.  It was this weird, dualistic moment where my body would NOT do what I was asking it to do.

So I did what I did three years ago… I left, and I came to Montreat.

Yep, I am writing to you from my porch where I can hear the small river/large creek rushing towards Lake Susan.  I am here as the Production Director, more commonly known as the AV Co-Director, where I am one of two supervisors of the crew that I worked on in '09 and '10.  I am the primary liaison between conference leadership and the crew, I train crew on how to operate sound boards, I troubleshoot issues, and, for a fun malicious streak, I get to cut off acts at the youth talent shows that go too long or do something inappropriate.  Additionally, I am a member of Summer Singers, the staff choir which sings for Sunday morning worship and other events throughout the summer.  (Summer Singers started last year, so this is my first summer on it.)

And let me just say… it is so.  Good.  To be back.

The stress started to melt away as soon as I left the city, a physical relief once we drove past the city limits.  I had a delightful time at Bon Air on Sunday though I was still rather tired from the tech week before.  Thursday we drove down and arrived at Montreat and things have been tremendous.  I am thrilled to be back, and the full time staff I worked with before are thrilled to have me back.  At check-in I was told I had official business at 5:30 with my supervisor (who was actually AV Co-Director the years I was on crew and is now full-time staff, so we've all just been moved up a level) and her boss and the other conferenceland people who are here already, which I thought was going to be a dinner where we talk through the first conference, etc, and turned out to be celebrating and getting mexican food and ice cream and catching up, before I got back for choir rehearsal at 8pm.

After an evening of fun with old friends and new, and a delightful first choir rehearsal (the director is fabulous and the repertoire is AWESOME), I finally had time to walk around Montreat a bit… and I became filled with SUCH joy and excitement that I was like the happiest cat in the world chasing its own tail.  Under the influence of catnip.  No one was around, it was a quiet Montreat night, so I sang boisterously at Lake Susan, remembering the night when I was 14 and spent hours standing on the dam singing to the waters.  I was, and still am, overwhelmed with gratefulness at being given the amazing opportunity to spend the summer here, to regroup, rest, and heal.

The story that came to me is the story of the prodigal son.  I have always cast myself in the role of the elder son, the one who wasn't an idiot and stayed and did his duty and was then bitter that the prodigal son is celebrated after he wasted away his inheritance.  (Also asking for your inheritance early is a jerk move.) But coming back here felt like the prodigal son returning.  Now, while this year has not been the best year for me, spiritually, I don't think it was at all a departure from the path I am on.  I do not feel like working someplace that is not the church is something that brings me away from God, and I have known for a long time now that much of my calling is to have one foot in the church and one in the world, so to speak, to act as a translator and bridge, which this year has been full of.  In fact, there's a show I am developing with a group of collaborators right now, about space and science and religion, and whenever I leave a meeting about this show I feel deeply connected with God and a deep assurance that this is what I am supposed to be doing.  However, though I am good at finding God in the city, in theater, in the work that I do, I have let a lot of my personal discipline slip, and there's also something about coming here, the importance this place has had in my spiritual life especially in these young adult years, that makes this place burst with reminders of God in every breath.  It is good for all of us to be able to return home, to the place where we grew up, and Montreat has been the place where I have grown up spiritually.

I still have things going on outside of here.  The show I opened before leaving closes today and I've had to do some troubleshooting remotely for them.  I have another show going to Prague and am therefore adjusting, etc, remotely as they get ready to leave.  And, in fact, I have a week off during which I go back to NYC, do a show (check it out, my face is the publicity image which amuses me endlessly), then come back.  I will be continuing to work on the shows I have in development while I'm here, but now with time, space, and inspiration with which to do it.

And we all know I cannot listen to all these amazing speakers without blogging about it.  (JOHN BELL IS HERE FOR TWO WEEKS. JOHN BELL JOHN BELL JOHN BELL.)

There is much more to say, particularly about the conference which started last night and is called Voice where they talked about voice and sound waves and calling and EVERYTHING ELSE I CARE ABOUT, but I have time for that later.  Now it's lunch time, choir time, sound check time.  So I will leave you with this song that we sang for the beginning of the conference last night, which is both achingly beautiful and a very fitting description of why I am here this summer:

The tree of life my soul hath seen,
Laden with fruit and always green:
The trees of nature fruitless be
Compared with Christ the apple tree.

His beauty doth all things excel:
By faith I know, but ne’er can tell,
The glory which I now can see
In Jesus Christ the apple tree.

For happiness I long have sought,
And pleasure dearly I have bought:
I missed of all; but now I see
’Tis found in Christ the apple tree.

I’m weary with my former toil,
Here I will sit and rest a while:
Under the shadow I will be,
Of Jesus Christ the apple tree.

This fruit doth make my soul to thrive,
It keeps my dying faith alive:
Which makes my soul in haste to be
With Jesus Christ the apple tree.

EDIT: the prodigal son/elder son thing was mentioned in the keynote I worked as my first real conference shift today after I wrote this blog. UHM.