There is one foundation

Today I learned:

...well.

Today I laughed, a lot, as I was walking home from rehearsal, exhausted, casually pondering the self, the value (yes) of acting with self-interest, self vs. others, etc., etc. And I laughed because self is another one of those arbitrary distinctions we make up. Like race, and gender, and sexual orientation. And we (including me), spend so much time fussing about those differences we forget that they are not the point. We get caught up in the difference, this vs. that, when in actuality, nothing is VS anything at all, and continuing to think of it that way is not going to help us.

Reality is, in fact, much simpler. So simple it can, in fact, be extraordinarily difficult to believe. God is One, God is All. And if we want to personify God as an old man up in the sky, I imagine Him chuckling at us as we wrestle with language and each other trying to figure this out when it's staring at us from every single corner. Because it's a truth often better expressed in image, sound, art, than explained in words. I can try to explain it, but that frankly won't do any good.

Comprehension is only useful if it has to do with living.

ps: bed before midnight bed before midnight i'm so excited!

What do you see?

Today I learned: Resist God less = love life more.

Weird, ineffable moments regarding God, the world, and unity. While doing things as simple as walking down the street. One of my mentors once noted that I have these experiences and it's not like, "I mediated for six months eating only a small bowl of rice a day and then this happened," but rather, "I was walking down the street going to class and looked up and there was an overwhelming experience of God and the ultimate unity of the world, and then I went on with the rest of my day." In a way, I'm struggling in my Jewish mysticism class because I am expected to be more surprised or bewildered than I am. Paradoxes don't stress me out. I'm not troubled by God being both concealed and revealed, or the nameless-which-is-reached-through-a-name, or circular ladders, or all division actually being unity. That makes more sense to me than nearly anything else. So as the teacher tries to get us to wrestle with and debate these concepts, I'm almost at a loss. Because what I think is, "Well, yes. Of course." How can one NOT see God in all of creation? How can we say that anything is NOT of God?

Hymn we sang on Sunday:

How shall we love Thee, holy, hidden Being,

If we love not the world which Thou hast made?

O give us brother love for better seeing

Thy world made flesh, and in a manger laid:

Thy kingdom come, O Lord, Thy will be done.

That's it. I'm incoherent. I love God a lot. It's easy to have know the concept of, "God is in everyone, in everything," but it's much harder to apply that to life on a day-to-day basis. I can get enormously frustrated with myself about this. Today I asked, "When am I going to put what I know into my life?!" And God said, "When you truly love me."

I don't know how I let you so far inside my mind

Hello, world!

I am back in business, having just finished the awful "being in tech for two shows at once" week. But now I'm free, I turned 22 today, and I'm onto the next round of shows.

But right now, I have some catching up to do:

Thursday I learned: Everyone comes from some place, and if you disagree with them, fine; but try to figure out where they're coming from.

Friday I learned: Sometimes what people really need is simply a presence in the room to show that you care. Don't underestimate the power of that.

Saturday I learned: You must, must, MUST know and understand when things are not your fault, so you don't beat yourself up over something you had no control over. (even/especially when others don't understand that and want to beat you up.)

Sunday I learned: That, yes, I do have limits.

Last night, one of my shows ended, and I finally felt like I could stop futzing with another show of mine that's running. After leaving strike, I felt relief, massive amounts of relief, and the stress started pouring off of me physically, leaving me quite fragile. I got back to my apartment and ceased to function. Moving a little bit, then stopping and staring. Managed to clean, but at great effort. Lit the Chartres candle and stared for a long time. All fine, all totally fine, just exhausted and in need of a bit of recovery time. I hadn't felt so weak, physically, emotionally, mentally, in a long time. It's good, because you know you've done something. In a way, it's invigorating. But building in that recovery time is necessary. I've got a rather intense summer coming up (designing 8 shows), and my mentor, who once did that same summer program, told me, "Be sure to build in some time after the summer to rest and let what you've learned hit you, because it goes so fast and you need that time to figure out what just happened." Wise, and absolutely something I wouldn't do unless someone told me. Trying to implement it, with a possible trip down to Virginia in early fall (because if I'm in New York I will NOT rest). Unless I get a job offer that's too good to refuse.

So yes. Limits exist. But I think limits exist to be reached, and that way they can be stretched out. Go for it. Build in the recovery time, though.

Today:

Today is my birthday. Weird. I'm 22, which means I have nothing to look forward to until 30. But 30 will inevitably set on weeks of panic, so really I have nothing to look forward to until I turn 38, when my birthday falls on Easter. I didn't want it to be a big deal, but Facebook has revolutionized birthdays. I was supposed to go to a rehearsal tonight, but got an email from the director (who I'd recently friended on Facebook) wishing me a happy birthday and saying that she was only working on the two scenes I'd already seen a million times so it might not be that helpful for me. (I think she felt weird about me coming to her rehearsal on my birthday.) So I stayed in, cooked myself a birthday dinner. Saved my last Cadbury creme egg for the occasion (thanks Lindsay!) Reading Brian McLaren's new book. Catching up on work. etc.

The whole "getting presents" thing has died down (though there are apparently some new Sondheimian releases that are headed my way--which means I'm reverting to being 15 years old again--and my roommate has something mysterious arriving soon), which is fine by me, but the fact of a birthday is like a day where people particularly acknowledge your existence (generally as a positive), which is actually a more meaningful gift in and of itself. It's nice to know that there are people who are genuinely happy you're alive.

As for what I learned: I have a tendency, a habit, of being self-deprecating. (I knew this already.) But, frankly, that's really disrespectful to the people who DO think good things about me, because that's just smashing all their opinions and calling their thoughts invalid. And it is doubly disrespectful towards God for doubting the inherent value of His Creation.

So: humility must come with self-respect, not self-hate. Tough for me because self-hate is a very comfortable place for me to live, but... since when am I called to anything comfortable?

In the words of the brilliant beautiful musical Passion:

Why is love so easy to give,

and so hard to receive?

But though I want to live,

I now can leave

With what I never knew:

I'm someone to be loved--

and that I learned from you.

Just got off the phone with my parents.

Then realized today is March 24th.

Oh shoot.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOTHER.

There in your arms she'll be

Yesterday I learned: I must always remember why I do this. I was at a really stressful tech (the kind where people yell at you for things you can't control), and I looked up and realized that there was a stained glass window directly across the room from me, which a cross on it, and I cracked up hysterically. And I thought, "Oh right, I don't do this for their approval, ultimately."

Then I thought, "But I'm not mixing sound for God, so..." and let that confusion sit.

Today I learned: It is the people who are most aggressive, angry, and mean to you who are the ones who need your care desperately. (also, probably the ones who seem indifferent.)

It's not about getting the perfect mix. It's about caring for people, always, all the time, generously. Absorbing their anger when they need to unload it, sure. It's not about losing your dignity (in fact, you really can't in those situations), it's about caring for the other person more than caring for your own bruised ego.

Delightful conversation about care, generosity, and selfishness in third year Design today. I'm not technically in this class, but I show up anyway, and I think any sane person (which I clearly am not) would have not gone to that class today if they had the amount of work I have. But when the, "you're too busy to go to that class" voice spoke to me, it was immediately drowned out by the "I'm too stressed out to NOT go to that class" voice. And it definitely helped get me back on my feet.

As we stumble along...

Friday I learned: Things are scarier when you're farther away from them. When you're in the room with them, there's clearer action to be taken.

Saturday I learned: We so often block impulse by this idea that we "should" do something else.

Sunday I learned: We are all responsible for each other. If you don't have time to get food yourself, and I do, I am responsible for making sure you eat. (This can be argued, but I don't want to be let off the hook, so.)

Yesterday I learned: (and this is a big one) You don't have to come in with everything perfect, or knowing all the answers. You do have to come in with enough preparation and flexibility to figure out the questions.

More intense blogs later, but definitely not anytime this week. Sorry. Extremely busy, in tech for two shows at once. Much love to Yonit, Liz, and Jenny, who have all brought me food. Yonit brought me Hamentaschen in thanks for Shrove Tuesday pancakes. INTER-RELIGIOUS COLLABORATION, GUYS!

One final question

Today I learned: Ask questions, even when you don't have them, because then people know you're thinking. It can actually be reassuring. In high-pressure situations (aka: tech, aka: theater in general), I tend not to worry or freak out too terribly, because I have a way to funnel that energy into doing something productive about it. It's one of my strengths as someone in the theater... calm, positive attitude throughout tech. (and even when I'm not calm and positive, I'm good at faking it until I leave the room and go cry with my costume designer. thanks Barbara.) But actually, if you seem too unconcerned, people can start to think that you're oblivious to the task that needs to be done. So, asking a small question, or saying, "I'm a bit worried about THIS," just shows what you're thinking about. And THAT you're thinking.

Asking questions has always been something I've shied away from. Asking questions and requesting things. Not my strong points. I've been getting better, mostly from determination and panic about not being able to keep a conversation going.

Simple, but useful.

I go on.

Lenten Discipline:

Sunday I learned: The Devil only tempts you if he thinks you're worth it. That alone should give you power enough to resist.

Monday I learned: I do know know how to ask for help when I need it. Emotionally or professionally.

Tuesday I learned: My "I'm doing too many things" point is NOT reached when I'm having mental breakdowns or whatever. Those are merely selfish. My breaking point, so to speak, is when I'm worried that I will be unable to devote the amount of time and energy to each commitment that they need from me.

Today I learned: When you're in a situation where you're doing too much, you do it anyway.

At the moment, I am doing too many shows. (There, fine, I said it.) Oh, I can do it, sure, but it's uncomfortable, and as per what I learned on Tuesday, I'm having to be particularly cautious that no shows suffer. (and in that, yes, I'm getting sleep, because if I don't take care of myself I won't be available for the shows. I took 3 hours out of my day on Tuesday to spend time with wonderful people and good art and NOT think about my shows because that was going to help.) But, fine, I know where my limit is, so now, onward. It's possible to do this by being very singularly focused. Caring about one thing right now, then in an hour caring about another. Figuring out how much time and attention each needs, being absolutely completely 100% THERE for a show when I'm there and absolutely completely 100% THERE for another show when I'm not. It's a task, but extremely good exercise.

I passed the hump today with one of my shows. The sound system is up, I have a lot of material generated, I sat down with the director yesterday and we went through the entire show specifically going over how the sound morphs and shifts. Tonight we had a rehearsal and then a stumblethrough, so I got to see everything and play around, and some of it WORKED and some of it really didn't, but the ideas are clear and the director and actors are excited. (These actors RESPOND to sound tremendously.) And in rehearsal there were three other people in the booth there to support me, my two (yeah, TWO) assistants, one of whom completely saved Act III, and my mentor for the semester. It's such a gift to have people to casually bounce ideas off of, to try things with, and receive suggestions from. And frankly, just being there with other people was a relief in and of itself. Sound design can get lonely. Though for Ubu we joke about the "sound team", since there are three of us. But I got to the point today where I got home and felt comfortable with cleaning my apartment, doing laundry, instead of spending hours going through symphonies looking for moments. Still a lot of work to do, but manageable. It's a really ambitious design, and I've never worked on anything of this magnitude before. Really good experience.

I secretly love this part of the process because it's when the director is really starting to step back from the actor-work from rehearsal and look at the big picture. And inevitably there are moments that aren't reading like people thought they would, there's awkwardness, and there's brilliance, and it's a really wonderful time for me as designer to say, "I noticed this about this scene, or this transition... would it help you if I did this?" And suddenly, look--you're taking care of someone. I asked the director about something today and she said, "Actually, that would solve one of the problems I'm having..." Happy to be of service.

I'm in tech for pretty much all of Lent. (My mother commented, "Well, THAT'S penance!") I think that's beautiful. Get out of yourself. Care about someone else's work. Care about how what YOU have to offer can HELP someone else. That's the goal, isn't it? Using, believing in, and honoring your own gifts, ideas, self, so that you can more fully help, serve, care for, love others.

I am what I do.

Paul, who wrote a good chunk of the New Testament, is someone I used to hate. People often treat Paul's words with the same weight as Jesus' words, which pains me because Paul had his own point of view and prejudices that can very easily be seen in his writings and the church is wrestling with today. (aka: women, homosexuals.) I have started, however, to soften towards Paul. He was actually quite forward-thinking for his day, and what makes his writing both so beautiful and so difficult is how exquisitely human he is. In thinking about Lent today, I thought of this passage from Romans. It's a difficult passage to read, which is why it was used in the scripture reading workshop I taught at Bon Air a few years ago, but it so accurately describes an unfortunate reality of being human, which I was trying to articulate in yesterday's post. So:

We know that the law [of God] is holy. But I am not. I have been sold to be a slave of sin. I don't understand what I do. I don't do what I want to do. Instead, I do what I hate to do. I do what I don't want to do.

So I agree that the law is good. As it is, I am no longer the one who does these things. It is sin living in me that does them.

I know there is nothing good in my sinful nature. I want to do what is good, but I can't. I don't do the good things I want to do. I keep on doing the evil things I don't want to do. I do what I don't want to do.

But I am not really the one who is doing it. It is sin living in me. Here is the law I find working in me. When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. Deep inside me I find joy in God's law. But I see another law working in the parts of my body. It fights against the law of my mind. It makes me a prisoner of the law of sin. That law controls the parts of my body.

What a terrible failure I am! Who will save me from this sin that brings death to my body?

I give thanks to God. He will do it through Jesus Christ our Lord.

All the wasted time!

It's Lent.

I love Lent.

Background: the Christian year has seasons just like we have geographically across the world. Advent, Christmas, Epiphany, Lent, Easter, Pentecost (and maybe "Ordinary Time" depending on who you talk to). Lent is a season of preparation leading up to Christ's death and resurrection. Lent is about penance, repentance, and self-denial in order to draw closer to God. When I was young, Bon Air UMC (that would be United Methodists, btw) did a Lenten study on spiritual disciplines, and I latched onto that idea and have ever since.

Now, here's my Lent rant:

Lent can be divorced from its actual meaning just like Christmas and Easter. Often "giving up something for Lent" is used as a spiritual discipline, and I'm all for that. However, what rubs me the wrong way is when "giving up something for Lent" becomes a test of self-will. When it is NOT about using discipline and self-denial to grow closer to God, but instead is about the bragging rights of going for 40 days without caffeine. "Giving up something for Lent" CAN easily become a quasi-Christian dietary restriction trend, and that is not the point. Last year I gave up my bowler hat for Lent, because I had thought about giving it up as a joke, and suddenly felt this intense emotional/visceral reaction where I thought, "I CAN'T GIVE UP MY HAT!" ...which meant, of course, that I needed to give it up. But there are many ways to practice Lent, and it's about finding the disciplines that will work well for you.

So what does this Lent have in store for me?

I've spent a lot of time these past few weeks examining my sins. They're huge and glaring, so it's not that difficult. And the thing I have traced them back to is wastefulness.

I waste a lot of time and energy. It's almost absurd. I'm currently working on eight shows, but the amount of time I waste even while being that busy is astounding. The amount of energy I waste in fear is stupid. And I want to work to eliminate that from my life, because so much more work could happen if I stopped wasting so much.

A note is: there are things that some people consider waste that I know now (after 4 years of theater school) is not waste. Taking care of yourself is not waste. Taking time for yourself is not waste. Sitting and having conversations with others it not waste. Poking around mindlessly on Facebook is absolutely a waste. Right now, the situation that has been driving me absolutely crazy for a while now is a situation based on waste. (Basically: I want thing 1. I also want thing 2. I cannot have both. Really, I cannot have thing 2, but I waste all this energy wanting what I cannot have instead of making the choice to move forward. You can't always get what you want. This situation and my incapability of letting go of it are the most wasteful things in my life right now.)

So, working to eliminate waste this Lent, fine. But to make that idea stronger, which will help me, I'm working to replace wastefulness with generosity. I've generally scored low on the "generosity" scale of spiritual gift studies, and I want to very actively work to change that. Generosity can be with my time, with my ear, with my emotions, with my design work. Generosity is caring for people without reason, and the more actively the better. So instead of mindless Facebook time or fantasizing about situations that will not come to pass, how about I talk to someone who needs someone to talk to or spend more time with one of the shows I'm working on and offer more ideas or bake for someone? (This gives me a goal, so it's not "Stop being wasteful!" it's "Stop being wasteful! Do THIS instead!")

Replace wastefulness with generosity. Sounds good to me.

I have certain things in place to help me do that. Certain rituals and benchmarks, but I won't go into them here. (put oil on your face when you fast, you know...) You'll see some of the efforts. Others you won't, and never should.

I have so, so far to go on the path towards perfecting oneself for God. It's grace that creates space like Lent to help me do so. Praise be to God.

Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return.

"There is something more important than my life, and that is the life of the other." - Emmanuel Levinas

"Whenever you fast, do not look dismal, like the hypocrites, for they disfigure their faces so as to show others that they are fasting. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward. But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, so that your fasting may be seen not by others but by your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you." - Matthew 6:16-18

"A hermit said, 'All chatter is unnecessary. Nowadays everyone talks but what is needed is action. That is what God wants, not useless talking.'" - The Desert Fathers

"Art is the giving by each man of his evidence to the world. Those who wish to give, love to give, discover the pleasure of giving. Those who give are tremendously strong." - The Art Spirit

"There is something more important than my life, and that is the life of the other." - Emmanuel Levinas

Welcome to Lent.

Credo

One of our assignments in Design first year was to write a list of ten things we believed. Beliefs, ideas, that can be challenged and argued about. Every so often we get these kinds of assignments. First semester of first year Design it was list 30 things you are now aware of, having been in college for a semester. Then the list of ten things we believed. Fall of second year it was list 5 (I think, and I added a 6th) things you want to say to the world. Spring of second year it was a list of 15 things to never forget about collaboration, accompanied by a list of five things you're working on improving in your own collaborative work. These lists are fabulous benchmarks, and good opportunities to gather and organize your thoughts. I've made lists on my own on this blog before.

The list of things you believe is actually a kind of personal creed. Creeds are always one of my favorite parts of worship services and I get upset when they're not there. (As people at Bon Air can attest to.) But a creed is, simply put, a statement of beliefs.

Since I'm retaking first year Design, I have now had to make another list of ten things I believe. After making this new list, I took a look at my old list. The difference between the two lists is huge. It was easier to make this list, partially because I have this blog and I realize that there are really about four ideas that I just keep rephrasing over and over and over on here because I think they're really important. And I thought I'd share the two lists here, as there might be interest, even though it really exposes the fact that I'm just saying the same thing time and time again.

SPRING 2008 LIST

1. I believe in God.
2. I believe that blood ties do not matter. [it's the connections you make that matter]
3. I believe that truly acting outside of the self is the key to strength.
4. I believe that denial of the self through altruism is just as bad as denial of the self through purposefully harmful means.
5. I believe that nothing is constant.
6. I believe that nothing is absolute (but there can still be beliefs).
7. I believe that art should be judged on its own terms.
8. I believe that theatre artists should never deny the fact that they are in the theatre.
9. I believe that there's a difference between directing and dictating.
10. I believe that drive is more important than natural ability.

SPRING 2011 LIST

1. I believe in God.
2. I believe that God is manifest inside every thing that exists. (or: I believe we are all manifestations of the Divine. or: I believe that we all contain a spark of the Infinite. This is a belief I state many times in many different languages.)
3. I believe that God is greater than any one concept of God and therefore can possibly be grasped more fully by those who do not profess belief in a higher power they label as "God".
4. I believe that every single person has value and worth that can benefit us personally.
5. I believe that we will only move forward if we recognize the humanity in each other. Personally, societally, globally.
6. I believe that the two most powerful things in the world are belief and choice.
7. I believe that people and groups who think they have nothing in common should talk to each other. (well, I believe everyone should talk to each other, but especially those.)
8. I believe that it is not art that matters, but it's people that matter, and tremendously so, and art can be used to care for people.
9. I believe that it is possible to kiss God.
10. I believe that I am called to a life of indiscriminately loving others, selflessly, far more than they love me.

Well. That's what four years of theatre school, 2 summers with Presbyterians, and 4 months in Africa will do to a person. I am pleased with the difference. It's not that I don't believe the things on the first list anymore, but they're (mostly) not where I focus my energy. And I am pleased with the one that has remained the same.