I am back in business, having just finished the awful "being in tech for two shows at once" week. But now I'm free, I turned 22 today, and I'm onto the next round of shows.
But right now, I have some catching up to do:
Thursday I learned: Everyone comes from some place, and if you disagree with them, fine; but try to figure out where they're coming from.
Friday I learned: Sometimes what people really need is simply a presence in the room to show that you care. Don't underestimate the power of that.
Saturday I learned: You must, must, MUST know and understand when things are not your fault, so you don't beat yourself up over something you had no control over. (even/especially when others don't understand that and want to beat you up.)
Sunday I learned: That, yes, I do have limits.
Last night, one of my shows ended, and I finally felt like I could stop futzing with another show of mine that's running. After leaving strike, I felt relief, massive amounts of relief, and the stress started pouring off of me physically, leaving me quite fragile. I got back to my apartment and ceased to function. Moving a little bit, then stopping and staring. Managed to clean, but at great effort. Lit the Chartres candle and stared for a long time. All fine, all totally fine, just exhausted and in need of a bit of recovery time. I hadn't felt so weak, physically, emotionally, mentally, in a long time. It's good, because you know you've done something. In a way, it's invigorating. But building in that recovery time is necessary. I've got a rather intense summer coming up (designing 8 shows), and my mentor, who once did that same summer program, told me, "Be sure to build in some time after the summer to rest and let what you've learned hit you, because it goes so fast and you need that time to figure out what just happened." Wise, and absolutely something I wouldn't do unless someone told me. Trying to implement it, with a possible trip down to Virginia in early fall (because if I'm in New York I will NOT rest). Unless I get a job offer that's too good to refuse.
So yes. Limits exist. But I think limits exist to be reached, and that way they can be stretched out. Go for it. Build in the recovery time, though.
Today:
Today is my birthday. Weird. I'm 22, which means I have nothing to look forward to until 30. But 30 will inevitably set on weeks of panic, so really I have nothing to look forward to until I turn 38, when my birthday falls on Easter. I didn't want it to be a big deal, but Facebook has revolutionized birthdays. I was supposed to go to a rehearsal tonight, but got an email from the director (who I'd recently friended on Facebook) wishing me a happy birthday and saying that she was only working on the two scenes I'd already seen a million times so it might not be that helpful for me. (I think she felt weird about me coming to her rehearsal on my birthday.) So I stayed in, cooked myself a birthday dinner. Saved my last Cadbury creme egg for the occasion (thanks Lindsay!) Reading Brian McLaren's new book. Catching up on work. etc.
The whole "getting presents" thing has died down (though there are apparently some new Sondheimian releases that are headed my way--which means I'm reverting to being 15 years old again--and my roommate has something mysterious arriving soon), which is fine by me, but the fact of a birthday is like a day where people particularly acknowledge your existence (generally as a positive), which is actually a more meaningful gift in and of itself. It's nice to know that there are people who are genuinely happy you're alive.
As for what I learned: I have a tendency, a habit, of being self-deprecating. (I knew this already.) But, frankly, that's really disrespectful to the people who DO think good things about me, because that's just smashing all their opinions and calling their thoughts invalid. And it is doubly disrespectful towards God for doubting the inherent value of His Creation.
So: humility must come with self-respect, not self-hate. Tough for me because self-hate is a very comfortable place for me to live, but... since when am I called to anything comfortable?
In the words of the brilliant beautiful musical Passion:
Why is love so easy to give,
and so hard to receive?
But though I want to live,
I now can leave
With what I never knew:
I'm someone to be loved--
and that I learned from you.
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