I go on.

Lenten Discipline:

Sunday I learned: The Devil only tempts you if he thinks you're worth it. That alone should give you power enough to resist.

Monday I learned: I do know know how to ask for help when I need it. Emotionally or professionally.

Tuesday I learned: My "I'm doing too many things" point is NOT reached when I'm having mental breakdowns or whatever. Those are merely selfish. My breaking point, so to speak, is when I'm worried that I will be unable to devote the amount of time and energy to each commitment that they need from me.

Today I learned: When you're in a situation where you're doing too much, you do it anyway.

At the moment, I am doing too many shows. (There, fine, I said it.) Oh, I can do it, sure, but it's uncomfortable, and as per what I learned on Tuesday, I'm having to be particularly cautious that no shows suffer. (and in that, yes, I'm getting sleep, because if I don't take care of myself I won't be available for the shows. I took 3 hours out of my day on Tuesday to spend time with wonderful people and good art and NOT think about my shows because that was going to help.) But, fine, I know where my limit is, so now, onward. It's possible to do this by being very singularly focused. Caring about one thing right now, then in an hour caring about another. Figuring out how much time and attention each needs, being absolutely completely 100% THERE for a show when I'm there and absolutely completely 100% THERE for another show when I'm not. It's a task, but extremely good exercise.

I passed the hump today with one of my shows. The sound system is up, I have a lot of material generated, I sat down with the director yesterday and we went through the entire show specifically going over how the sound morphs and shifts. Tonight we had a rehearsal and then a stumblethrough, so I got to see everything and play around, and some of it WORKED and some of it really didn't, but the ideas are clear and the director and actors are excited. (These actors RESPOND to sound tremendously.) And in rehearsal there were three other people in the booth there to support me, my two (yeah, TWO) assistants, one of whom completely saved Act III, and my mentor for the semester. It's such a gift to have people to casually bounce ideas off of, to try things with, and receive suggestions from. And frankly, just being there with other people was a relief in and of itself. Sound design can get lonely. Though for Ubu we joke about the "sound team", since there are three of us. But I got to the point today where I got home and felt comfortable with cleaning my apartment, doing laundry, instead of spending hours going through symphonies looking for moments. Still a lot of work to do, but manageable. It's a really ambitious design, and I've never worked on anything of this magnitude before. Really good experience.

I secretly love this part of the process because it's when the director is really starting to step back from the actor-work from rehearsal and look at the big picture. And inevitably there are moments that aren't reading like people thought they would, there's awkwardness, and there's brilliance, and it's a really wonderful time for me as designer to say, "I noticed this about this scene, or this transition... would it help you if I did this?" And suddenly, look--you're taking care of someone. I asked the director about something today and she said, "Actually, that would solve one of the problems I'm having..." Happy to be of service.

I'm in tech for pretty much all of Lent. (My mother commented, "Well, THAT'S penance!") I think that's beautiful. Get out of yourself. Care about someone else's work. Care about how what YOU have to offer can HELP someone else. That's the goal, isn't it? Using, believing in, and honoring your own gifts, ideas, self, so that you can more fully help, serve, care for, love others.