I'm after something, and it's not in Kelling.

Praise God for my longing heart!
Praise God for my sacred part in the infinite art!
-The Hidden Sky

I received my studio evaluations (written thoughts from my teachers about my work last semester). They are of course varied - some harsh, some surprising, some incredibly touching, some amusing. But every single one is written with the utmost care and I am once again reminded of how magnificently blessed I am.

Yes, I am afraid about next semester, but I belief that it is the kind of fear that creates discipline, which I need. Mostly, I am overcome with gratitude. When I first started poking around on the PHTS website four years ago, dreamy-eyed, wistful, and hungry, I could not have even comprehended that the education I'm getting exists.

Recently, I've been getting a lot of questions about what I want to do with my life. It's part of the nature of my work - often the people who we're working with for two weeks will want to get to know us, ask us about our schools and majors, etc. As I tried to explain my varied interests in theatre, directing, voice work, sound, etc. to one choir director, they asked about basically my dream job, and what would that be? I actually had no answer. I used to have an answer, but now I don't.

It's not like I don't have plans or ideas or dreams. Of course I do. I know voice work is involved. I know ministry is involved. I know voice work in churches in involved. I know that I want to create theatre that engages the audience's senses to create a reality, and even goes further to blend the senses and make the audience synaesthetic. I know there is music. I know there is writing. I know there is teaching. I even have my wild, crazy, far-fetched fantasies, like writing a best selling young adult fantasy trilogy and paying off my student loans with it. (At this point, paying off my student loans at all seems like a far-fetched fantasy.)

But all of this falls under doing God's work in the world, and quite frankly, I have very little idea what that ends up looking like. Except, perhaps, love.

My life isn't about reaching some point or dream or goal. It's about experimentation and pushing forward. New forms eventually become old. What else can be learned? And most importantly, it is doing everything that can be done to love the world.

The summer is more than halfway done. I have about four more weeks left at Montreat... though that is still four more weeks. Already I feel more grounded, more centered, more lateral, more loving. The summer is doing its work on me and I have full faith that when the time comes for me to go back to school, I will be able to reenter this community of people I love and absorb more than ever before.