I spent the majority of today wandering the streets around my school, basking in the familiarity that has somehow been made strange. I am back around buildings and people that I have known for some time - those who I know intimately and those who I just know in the way that people who pass each other every day on the street know each other (like the vendors on Astor Place) - but it's all different. I'm seeing it in a different way because of my wonder that a place as remarkable can exist. That people as beautiful can exist... and the joy of the blessing that they are in my life. There's a small part of me that worries, especially when I've been away from people/places for a long time, that I exaggerate their positive qualities. Today, seeing many of them again, I thought, "No. I don't exaggerate. I just celebrate everything." I think celebrating everything is a good way to live. It's working so far, and is a lot of fun. I had so much fun today, being happy. That sounds too simple to be allowed, but it works.
I visited PHTS today (OH MY GOD HOW MUCH I LOVE THOSE PEOPLE)... multiple times. I have this habit of attaching myself to physical places, and it goes back to my strange history with the word "home". I did it in high school at ARGS, too; I was there more often than not, and leaving the building after graduation was very difficult for me. I hang around at PHTS a lot, though mostly I had legitimate reasons for being there today. When I was there with the mentor/mentee tour, I think I amused our Administrative Associate by how pleased I was to be there. Even after being in the building for a while, I was still beaming. I turned to him and said, "I am SO happy to be here." He chuckled and said, "I know, I can see it on your face. You're glowing."
Generally, I have lived my life with very calculated, controlled reactions. Today I didn't. I had a blast and have never felt freer. To speak in Patsy Rodenburg terms, I feel like I spent most of the day in second circle. It was phenomenal.
My voice sounds different. Range is starting to open up that I limited before, and it comes from being unashamedly genuine. It's not a huge drastic change that I'd expect a lot of people to notice, but I feel it, and that's a start. This was one of my major notes from Voice and Speech last year... funny, that a singer with a very nicely sized range (when I'm on top form) gets notes about not using the range. It's like a dancer who has a hard time walking normally. There's a certain amount of vocal control that singers are used to, and for those of us who have been singing for our whole lives, it's often very difficult to let that control go and let the voice release and do its work without our dictating at it.
I also had my first show-based meeting of the year. I started to be nervous about this meeting, out of habit (by the end of second year I was just a nervous wreck, scared of meetings because I was afraid I'd forgotten to do something in everything I had to do). But I decided to skip being nervous and to just be excited. That was a smart move. It was delightful, and the excitement spurred me on so that when I felt my old "I will avoid confrontation at all costs" habits sneak in, I was able to work to lean forward to meet it instead of slouch and avoid it. There was a calmness about everything, as well, that I know I've never had before, and I thought, "I can do this. I can absolutely do this."
Of course, it's easy to be calm and happy at the beginnings of shows and classes. The hard thing is keeping that energy going forward. I MUST keep disciplined, I MUST keep choosing forward in every moment. I had fun today. I'd like to keep having that kind of fun. It's easy to be excited about seeing people when you haven't seen them in months - how about seeing people for the sixth time that day? Can that kindle joy? I think it can. (I feel like I'm making joy into an extreme sport here. I like that.) I am about to spend another year here with these incredible, brilliant, caring people who believe in the work I am setting out to do. How cool is that?! I am indescribably grateful, and I am going to work hard to keep being indescibably grateful even when I'm up working on projects that I probably don't even understand anymore after getting 5 hours of sleep for three days. It'll be hard, and I know I will not always succeed, but I will try my best and will learn something in whatever happens.
I would also like to work on quickening my mind. I think well, but not fast. I'd like to do fast. I also need to do faster, for inside rehearsal rooms.
I'm almost completely unpacked. It's just books and posters now. I've got to buy some bookshelves tomorrow. My dorm room is unusually huge, for both a dorm room and for New York, so we have more than enough room. Gillian and I hanging posters will be a big deal. We're both PHTS students so the conversation will largely about what they mean compositionally. (There was one poster-sized first year design assignment that we both happened to save, so the pair of those will go up together somewhere. I'm excited.) Having lived a largely nomadic lifestyle for a while, I'm glad to be settling down in one place for a while.
Such a great day. I love all of you.
Also, I have the coolest dresser ever. And by coolest, I mean creepiest.
JOHN CALVIN IS WATCHING YOU.
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