A thousand shades of feels

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

That's the "first day of studio" noise.

It was thrilling, it was terrifying, it was exhausting, it was overwhelming, it was beautiful. Wednesdays are also my most intense studio days, going straight through from 9am - 3pm, then 3:30 - 5:30. Phenomenal classes. Phenomenal. They will be exhausting. The thing about most college classes is that you can usually sit back and relax, participate, but it's not energetically taxing. Studio is a different matter. In studio you have to be fully present and available, not only to improve your own work, but to help others, and that's exhausting. I want to get better at that. I don't know how my teachers do it. Phew. I was doing pretty well throughout the day, absorbing, putting forth as much energy as I could, leaning forward, trying not to be struck dumb when people asked huge questions I was intimidated to answer (I failed at that one), even taking a huge uncomfortable risk and volunteering to act in a class (what?)... and then when I finally sat down and let the day hit me, my brain felt like scrambled eggs and I no longer knew what my life was.

It's difficult for me to talk about studio classes because they're so... specific. Yesterday, when I had my non-studio classes, I thought, "Wow, this is what college must be like. I'd like to experience that sometime," because theater school is so different. Half of our classes are ending 8 weeks into the semester because we have shows going up, and that's the work that's important. That's the work the classes are feeding into. Theatre is a world that does not operate on the same ideas as the rest of the world. Nights and weekends are standard work time, not occasional. You don't leave your work when you leave a building. You're never not working, to be honest. Do I have a lot of homework from studio? In the literal sense, no. I have a few things to read, or write, not more than an hour. But overall, I'm in the process of putting together a show and that is bigger than any paper. (and also more fun.)

Today, because it was the first day and because of the classes I had, had a lot to do with logistics. Also, the curriculum completely changed (whee!), so there was a lot of time to ask questions, get clarification, voice concerns, express what we still feel we need, etc. What becomes clearer and clearer each day is something I mentioned yesterday, that I have no idea how much all of these teachers and administrators have worked and are still working to enable me and my education. I actually almost started crying during Design today out of sheer gratefulness. I also look around and where I am and who I'm with and I can't help but marvel at how lucky and blessed I am.

At this transition of moving forward, I am blessed by the teachers and classmates around me at PHTS who have been so instrumental in my development as an artist and as a person. But today I also found myself thinking a lot about the people who "came before", so to speak, and continue to be inspirations to me today. One of those who was in my thoughts a lot today (unsurprisingly, as two of my classes largely focused on staging and composition), is Brandon Becker.

Brandon Becker is my teacher. Sometimes, for clarification, I'll say he's my "former" teacher, but truly, he's still my teacher, and always will be - and that is one of the highest places someone can hold in my heart. He was one of my high school musical theater teachers, and has truly been a mentor, guide, and friend to me for four years. I visited him recently, to talk about my obsession with voice and speech and catch up. (He is also a voice person. I thought this was one of the few ways we actually differed while I was in high school, because I wasn't into voice work. I had to laugh when I found myself in love with voice work, too.) Becker and I clicked quickly because of our similar tastes in musical theater, and the jokes that we are actually the same person abounded.

I think all my teachers in college should be grateful for Becker, because he prepared me for their classes. Not only did he treat me with the honesty and seriousness needed for someone that was planning on pursuing theater throughout her life, but he introduced me to concepts and ideas that usually went far beyond what I could comprehend at the time... but would pop up in college. I was frustrated in his Acting III class when he had us doing crazy ensemble work where we'd have to start walking, speed up, and slow down at the same time with no particular leader. (This is harder than it sounds.) Exercises like this were the first things we did in one of my first year acting classes in college. I was thoroughly confused by the day of Fitzmaurice voice work we did. The second year of voice and speech at PHTS focuses on Fitzmaurice work. The most eerie instance of this was shortly after Becker arrived at ARGS. He came to the school right as I was really starting to get into the idea of directing, and I had been thinking, "You know, how people are arranged on stage means something!" Then, in class, Becker said, "A chair center stage means something different than a chair upstage right means something different than a chair turned over," and I freaked out. This started a huge obsession with semiotics and composition, where I'd pounce on Becker for information, borrow half of his books (including his thesis) and spend the majority of the latter part of my senior year in the Black Box arranging rehearsal blocks to create super-abstract blocking to "Marry Me a Little", my solo for the Sondheim revue. I got to first year design and it focused largely around these ideas, and when we had an assignment that actually involved arranging chairs in a room, I freaked out, may have hyperventilated slightly, and called Becker.

(I also now have an unfortunate obsession with chairs. I wish I was kidding.)

Becker has been subject to so many papers, e-mails, phone calls, text messages... it's more than ridiculous. (Especially the papers I wrote him after I graduated.) The other week I visited him, met his baby (who is, of course, the only baby I've met who's not scared of me), talked aimlessly about voice and speech and theater and life. It was a lovely visit, and Becker's unwavering support of me... not Colleen-the-director, or Colleen-the-super-focused-person, but Colleen, continues to mean more than I could ever say. Getting back into PHTS has just confirmed that he knew what he was talking about, and did in high school, and continues to do, wonderful things in my life.

I don't have studio classes again until Monday (VOICE AND SPEECH OH MY GOODNESS I'M SO EXCITED YAY), because the first Friday of the year we all travel up to the Playwrights Horizons building on 42nd St for All-School, where we meet as a school and kick off the new year. We also find out our stage managers and mentors for our 3rd year projects on Friday. I'm excited.