Art isn't easy.

Well, I have officially had all my classes. My main class today absolutely kicked my butt in every way imaginable. It's my only really physical class this semester (my thighs are screaming), and it also demands a discipline that is beyond anything I've ever attempted. I often joke that there should be a Survivor: PHTS edition, where anyone who has ever insinuated that being a theater major is easy is dropped into classes as rigorous as these.

Regarding the rigor, it is clear that I am being called to a life of discipline. I have mentioned discipline several times here, even throughout the summer. It's a recurring theme in my life. I'm doing a lot, by virtue of this program. I'm directing, I'm designing, I'm dramaturging, I'm in classes. I want to be able to give every single person I'm working with my full attention. I think it's possible, or at least close to possible, with focus and time management, and I'm learning how to balance things as I go along. The more I can commit to this, the more I will get out of it. And that is undeniably important as I move forth in my calling. I am called to do God's work in the world - that is something that I cannot slack on. When God calls, it is all or nothing. It means that I must constantly hold myself up to an extremely high standard, and at the end of the day acknowledge that I failed to meet it. But also, take how I failed each day as something to use and learn from. Instead of trusting myself to try to do better, what steps can I take to make that happen? It's about constantly moving forward, pushing yourself to your limit and then knowing that you can do more. After all... I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.

What's extremely difficult about all this is that I also have to take care of myself. I have do. That is key. I'm useless if I don't. I haven't been getting a lot of sleep lately. Not horrible, but not great. That needs to stop. Mornings are already hard enough - I need my sleep. It is vital to my work. I need to eat on a regular basis. I need to not get swine flu. I need, personally, time to focus and time to detox - especially on Wednesdays, my fullest class day. So I need to figure out how to do that so that I can do all I'm called to do.

My relationship with God has never been clearer. This is slightly surprising, but also not at all. I saw some Facebook statuses talking about God-as-comfort, which is a common icon in Christianity. Jesus, lover of my soul. O God, our help in ages past. That is not where I am with God at the moment. There's no Colleen/Jesus cuddling going on. God right now is more like a demanding taskmaster. I see God in all of my teachers as they start to push me. I have never doubted for a second that I am here in this program for a reason. Because I have said, "Here I am, Lord," and offered myself, and God will take everything and more that I didn't even know I had.

In this I'm also working on risk-taking. Doing things that make me extremely uncomfortable, because I know it's good for me. I've honed in on a way to make me do things I would normally back out on - I tell someone that I'm planning on doing it while I'm feeling brave, so that when I'd run away, I can't because I already told them I would. This got me to a really delightful social event (WHAT? Colleen's being SOCIAL?!) that was a blast. This also got me costume designing this semester. Eep!

Something else that has come up a lot lately as auditions have been happening is the fact that some people find me intimidating. This has come up a lot in my life. It was a definite issue in high school, and has apparently followed me to college, where there are plenty of people that are genuinely much more intimidating than me. I can somewhat see why, especially in high school because wearing all black, a trenchcoat and a bowler hat might inspire some kind of intimidation, but since I've known this was a reaction, I've worked on how I talk to people so that I come off as nice and interested and easy to talk to. (This is also one of the reasons I make a point to talk to the 1st and 2nd years at PHTS. First, because I'm overenthusiastic and like helping people. Second, to put myself out there as, "Hey! You can talk to me! It's okay!") The problem with it is I don't want people to be afraid to talk to me because then we'll both miss out on each other. I acknowledge that I find other people very intimidating (some I've known for years and I'm STILL intimidated by them), but I've still talked with many of them, they've let me in and I'm so grateful for it.

All that aside, my intimidating factor seems to be something that I will be having to live and deal with. (The following exchanged just happened: "Me: I try REALLY HARD not to be intimidating. Gillian: You fail. I'm sorry honey, but you're intimidating." And she's my ROOMMATE! Fail.) So how can I open, loving, accepting person and deal with the intimidation as best I can? How to turn intimidation into inspiration? We'll see.

More auditions tonight.