So sink or swim, I'm diving in

I had classes today. Woo! My two non-studio (aka: "academic") classes. They were very exciting and I'll post about them soon, but I have been thinking a lot about self-esteem lately because of some 3rd year woes, and so I want to post where I've approximately landed.

Being in an arts community means that most of the work focuses around self-expression, and PHTS is built around the idea that everyone has something of worth. Every individual, unique person, has something to share. I do believe that sharing our particular gifts can enrich the lives of others. I had the privilege of seeing one of my teacher's shows in Baltimore at the end of last semester. It was a trilogy that she had written and was performing, and having worked with her for a year, I could tell how personal and how specific it was to her, but instead of being egotistical, it was a gift of her life and experience to the audience. It was very inspiring in a time when I was starting to give up on art, and I'm grateful for that experience. (That trilogy will be playing in New York for the next two weekends, and I'm very excited. I recommend it highly.)

However, it is very easy to make art that is not about giving to the audience, but fulfilling for yourself. And that's fine for some people, I guess, but it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

In contrast, Christianity challenges us to be humble and meek. There is a lot in the history Christianity that is actually denying the self instead of celebrating it. I can absolutely see why; Christianity has such a large focus on helping others, loving God and others more than self, and the strong belief in the sinful nature of humanity. But, like the danger that an artist may become too self-centered, the Christian may become too self-deprecating. While that line is very blurry, especially studying the lives of saints, I feel strongly that if you deny the gifts God has given you, you can deny the presence of God in your life. (As far as I've figured it out thus far, it is the idea that you originally have nothing, all you have is a gift from God, that you then celebrate and use in God's service.)

My own self-esteem has bounced from one extreme to the other, but for most of my teenager-hood, it rested on "self-loathing". (Though I was generally very confident. I don't know how that really works, but since when do I make sense, anyway?) Any self-sacrificing was not out of love for others, but hate for myself, which is not a healthy way to live. Since being in college, my self-esteem has been rising steadily, and I think I'm at a healthier place than I've ever been, largely thanks to brilliant classmates, teachers and friends whom I respect and admire who somehow think I'm cool enough to bother with. Thanks, guys.

However.

3rd year is a major year in the life of an NYU drama undergrad. The way NYU undergraduate drama works is: you are placed in your studio, and are required to spend your first two years in that studio. When you're a 3rd year, you can stay in that studio for your "advanced studio training", you can audition for another studio or upper level program, you can do theater training abroad, you can take an academic semester... you have a lot of options. What this means is you really have to make a choice about what you're interested in studying. Things heat up, because you're truly taking charge of your education. In my program at PHTS, you direct and/or create your first third year project, which goes up in a space at PHTS and is open to the public. This is a major milestone, as you can imagine.

I ran into my first year directing teacher outside of PHTS, and as we talked, she noted how crazy it was that I was already a third year director. I agreed. When introducing myself to the first years on the tour, it was very weird to say that I was a third year director. I haven't deviated from the original plan too much, when I look at it. I auditioned as a director... I haven't so far gone too far away from what I saw as my path (though I'd say that path had a lot more twists and turns than I originally expected, and if you'd handed me Tongues my first year I would have been wholly uninterested).

It's not surprising at all that I'm now preparing to direct my first third year project. But being here I find myself backing away and saying, "I'm not ready!"

The panic sets in. The show rises before me, huge and daunting. I chastise myself for picking something that will be so difficult to cast, and question why I don't have most of my designers yet. Any ideas of how to run a rehearsal room fly out of my head. I remember the time I spent in first and second year observing third year directors, their strengths and weaknesses, and shake at the fear of judgment (not criticism, but judgment). I look around and don't see anyone else freaking out, which makes it all worse. The vampire of despair sets in, whispering, "Who do you think you are? You've been skating by on the reputation you somehow have even though you did almost no quality work last year. People are finally going to catch on. The jig is up. Who do you think you are?"

Yeah. It happens. It would be stupid of me to deny it. I get scared easily - I always have, from when I was little and scared of the dark (confession: sometimes I'm STILL scared of the dark(. While I'm excited about this show and step in my life, and have been for years, now that the moment has come, I'm terrified.

However, shutting down and letting my fear and my littleness get in the way of this is absolutely unacceptable. In all of this doubt and insecurity, and all of this wondering what exactly the role of the self while trying to be humble is, the one thing that makes sense is that if I let this stop me, then I am denying God the chance to work through me. By getting caught up in my panic, I block God out of me, and I refuse to allow that to happen. Also, being afraid of failure is stupid, because it shows a lack of trust in God. A trust that if I put my life and work into His hands, He will not let me fall. Not that everything will be a success by human terms, but that I will learn what He wants me to learn. I am accountable to Him, not the world, but through Him, I work to serve the world. In God there is no failure.

I am scared, because I am an imperfect human who has not yet abolished enough sense of self to not be.
But I do trust... even if it is not yet wholly and completely. I pray for the strength to follow where He leads, because, knowing God, it will be highly uncomfortable.

Start something,
God's calling
Now I'm rising to the task,
Now I'm falling
Now I'm certain
Now I wonder
Now I'm walking on the water,
Now I'm going under

The truth is: I'm not ready.
The truth is: I'm too young.
Sometimes the ones who are not ready are the ones who get it done.

Spread your wings,
Jump off the cliff,
You might not do it if you ask, "What if?"
Maybe you'll live, maybe you'll die
Maybe you'll fall and maybe you'll fly

Start something. God's calling.
--Ken Medema

I recently finished a book called Come Be My Light, about Mother Teresa, focusing largely on her personal spiritual life, which was extremely dark. She underwent the kind of period of spiritual dryness that St. John of the Cross called "the dark night of the soul", where she did not feel the presence and intimacy of God but rather a great emptiness. She never lost faith that God was doing His work through her and the Missionaries of Charity, and saw that every day. I know there is a lot of relationships between suffering and closeness to God, and I want to know more. I know it has to do with the suffering of Christ on the cross, and with purification, and I'm starting to grasp the ideas thanks to this book, but I'm still quite curious. (Quick! Get me to seminary!) Anyway, I found myself hugely humbled and inspired in the same breath. I hope to learn how to greet my depressive episodes spiritually, and even the day-to-day annoyances with joy. Because, really, how much do they matter? How often do we let inconvenience blind us to the beauty of a situation? I waited in line for over an hour today at PHTS registration so I could fix my schedule. It would be very easy for me to complain about that, but really? I was waiting in line to figure out classes at PHTS, at one of the top drama programs in the country, in this place with people who've worked so hard to enable me and give me the classes that will help me grow as an artist and a person. I have no room to complain. There are infinitely worse lines. I'm so lucky to get to wait in that line.

Speaking of that, studio starts tomorrow. My schedule is perfect and seeing the words "Voice and Speech" on it never loses its power. I am in awe and am so grateful for the powers-that-be at PHTS that I completely lose all words that are able to possibly express it. I have been thinking a lot lately about how I have no idea everything they do for us, because I only see a little bit of it. I'm floored, and grateful to be so well-loved.