Splendors you never have dreamed all your days...

Well, here I am.

As I write this, there is nothing more for me to pack but my electronics, the clothes I'm wearing, and the toiletries I'm using in the morning. I said my goodbyes at church this morning, I ran the last-minute errands, and I cut my hair. I really get great enjoyment out of cutting my hair, and tend to do so when I feel like I'm on the verge of a new start. If one night I'm determined to turn over a new leaf, I will probably come to school the next day with a haircut. My hair hasn't been this short since middle school. I like it.

I would like to take this opportunity to say that I have the coolest grandmother ever. I do crazy things like come home with a tattoo and pop out of the bathroom with a shaved head, and she just laughs.

Tattoos and shaved heads aside, I am more than excited to go back to New York. Gillian has already moved into our room, which I've been fully briefed on. (It's basically the same layout as our last room, only COMPLETELY REVERSED and with blue carpet. She also did something different with the beds that I didn't quite understand but I trust her judgement on these matters.) Two other PHTS students (in our year, in fact!) are living next door and across the hall from us, and I cannot wait to see them again. A friend of mine posted something about the Astor Place K-Mart on Twitter and I swooned for the Astor Place K-Mart. (My love for that K-Mart is serious.) Every thought of New York has filled me with such joy and I'm thrilled to be going back. I'm happy to say that the anxiety that knots in my stomach is gone. I retain my cautious discipline, but have left the anxiety. Thank God!

I've been having these dreams about school lately. In the first dream, I was still enrolled at PHTS, but I was going to be doing the semester away from PHTS, so I could experience other things (I think it was primarily so I could experience a campus?). I was on the 3rd floor of PHTS, before it was renovated, trying to work out the details, and I was surprised to find that I would have to have my Design midterm conference over the phone. My enormous confusion was greeted with, "Well, you won't be here," and I felt saddened by the fact that I wouldn't be there.

Last night, my dream continued. I was starting my semester away at Sarah Lawrence, with a friend from high school as my roommate and a friend from college as my suitemate. (Incidentally, I'd had a dream just previously where someone was trying to kill me. In this dream, it had been my suitemate, and she kept trying to apologize and say it wouldn't happen again. Riiiight, Alyssa.) After a lot of details about not having a campus map, I eventually was in class on a bus. There was going to be a performance of this musical done at NYMF a couple years back, and the people in charge were trying to warn me that it was weird, and I was trying to explain to them that I was used to weird theatre. In this, they asked me where I was from, and I told them I had transferred from NYU for the semester. First of all, they seemed to think I'd be at SLC for the next two years, which was NOT the plain, and second, when they asked why I came to SLC, I didn't really have an answer and I was struck with very real pain from missing PHTS. It was intense. I'm ready to go back.

I think it was because of these dreams that whenever someone asked me at church today, "When do you go back?" I almost squealed, "TOMORROW!"

The church service today was beautiful. The choir anthem was magnificent. I was blown away. While I am quick to appreciate church music, it is rare that I am as stunned as I was. I was very close to tears during both services; it was honestly difficult for me to stand up and read the Ephesians after that. Wow.

I also had the pleasure of hearing our new Associate Pastor, Lauren, preach. Lauren is delightful and I've loved getting to meet her as I've been back these past couple of weeks. One of the things she pointed out about the 1 Kings text resonated deeply in me. She noted that after the temple had finally been built, and it stood proudly as a breaktaking feat of architecture, design, and grandeur, the best that they could possibly build, Solomon stood and said, "It's not enough." Even heaven and the highest heaven cannot contain God; neither can the most valiant attempts of men.

I hold the unpopular opinion that nothing can be fully expressed. This seems to be the most pessimistic view someone in art school can take, but I hold to it. Something is always changed in interpretation or translation, some point is not hit home. (so how do we work USE this inevitability instead of try to ignore it?) But more, and maybe this is just me, but I think that emotion that calls for artistic expression is too much, too full, for any art to be enough.

We can despair, saying, "It won't express it anyway, so why try?" Or we can smile to meet the challenge of trying. We can go forth with joy knowing that there is always so much more to be said, painted, acted, sung. To follow Christ is to enter the story that defines inexpressible. There is a joy to having the words stolen from you. There is happiness knowing there is so much more than those words. There is excitement in a God who is bigger than a temple.

Tomorrow (well, today, technically), I leave with joy. Pure joy. Usually I leave Virginia with some amount of bitterness. Not this time. I was happy to stay for this service, instead of moving in Sunday morning. I have realized humbly that there are such beautiful people here, like there are in New York. I get to bounce from one love-filled community to another - how lucky am I? I'm excited to get back to theater, to working towards inevitably incomplete expression, with joy. To live with humble authority and radical love. To dance dangerously at the crossroads. I come with joy.

I started this blog to keep people updated on my summer. The summer is ending rapidly... but I'm not sure the blog is. I think I see God too many places to keep it in, and since most of the people I'm working to keep updated are NOT in New York... I will try to keep it going. It also helps me to articulate things like this. To be honest, I don't know how often I'll be able to update because of the inevitably crazy school schedule (wheee!), so I added this widget where you can get updates e-mailed to you. That way, you don't have to keep checking all the time when there's not an update. The box is at the top of the left-hand column.

To those in Virginia, thank you. It's been lovely.

To those in North Carolina, I miss you dearly.

To those in New York, I'LL BE BACK REAL SOON. Tomorrow, I mean today, is traveling and moving in (we're planning to unload at 7pm), so that's pretty much out. Tuesday morning/early afternoon I'm tagging along on some mentor tours so I can meet some of the first-years (yay!), and late afternoon/evening on September 3rd is reserved every year for my Sweeneyfriends (I'm SURE I'll blog about that). But other than that, I'm free, so call me, e-mail me, facebook me, tweet at me, whatever (I'll get it all quickly because I have a cool new shiny phone!). I'm so excited to see all of you.

And now, because I'm too excited to sleep, I went through all my posts and compiled a list of the songs I used for titles, even though I'm sure no one cares. But I care!

• Wilkommen! - "Wilkommen" from Cabaret
• I'm sorry to shout, but HERE I AM! - "Here I Am" from Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
• Nine O'Clock, Twilight... - "The Sun Sits Low" from A Little Night Music
• All that hath life and breath! - "Praise to the Lord, the Almighty", hymn
• Vivo! - "Che gelida manina" from La Boheme
• We can build a beautiful city - "Beautiful City" from Godspell
• And the beauty is... - "The Beauty Is" from The Light in the Piazza
• Dear God, just do something or I'll have to do it myself! - "Dear God" from John and Jen
• This Is Not Over Yet - "This Is Not Over Yet" from Parade
• Be still and know... - Hymns, anthems, a lot of pieces.
• What would I do if I had not met you? - "What Would I Do" from Falsettoland
• Where does the wind come from? Where does it go? - "To Love Our God", anthem
• I Will Joyfully Sing in the Morning - "I Will Joyfully Sing in the Morning", anthem
• Why did I do it? What did it get me? - "Rose's Turn" from Gypsy
• What's love unless it's unconditional? - "Farewell Letter" from Passion
• Out of death; life - "The Final Battle" from Lord of the Rings: the musical (yes, you heard me.)
• I Know That My Redeemer Liveth - "I Know That My Redeemer Liveth" from Handel's Messiah
• Come and dance here at the crossroads - "Lord, Listen To Your Children Praying" by Ken Medema
• I'll shout it from the mountain top - "Pass It On", hymn
• All for books! - "Throw It Out" from A New Brain
• No one can help, Nothing can hide you - "Epilogue: the Ballad of Sweeney Todd" from Sweeney Todd
• I'm after something, and it's not in Kelling. - "The Hidden Sky" from The Hidden Sky
• I've given my best while they screamed for my blood - "Madness to Act" from The Glorious Ones
• I love them, here's why I do - "14 Dwight Ave, Natick, Mass." from Elegies
• Pick-a-little, talk-a-little, pick-pick-pick - "Pick-a-little" from The Music Man
• Agony! Misery! Woe! - "Agony" from Into the Woods
• And they'll know we are Christians by our love = "And they'll know we are Christians by our love", hymn
• I Miss New York - "I Miss New York" from Songs from an Unmade Bed
• I need you to survive - a congregational song I sang at a music conference once
• Everybody cut footloose! - "Footloose" from Footloose
• Come there and learn... and I'm (getting) ready! - "I Can See It" from The Fantasticks
• And I'm so damn lucky to have lived here - "14 Dwight Ave, Natick, Mass." from Elegies
• It's the Final Countdown! - "Final Countdown" by Europe
• I'm ready, I'm ready now! - "Marry Me a Little" from Company
• Gone away, gone ahead, echoes roll unanswered... - "The Question Song" from The Masterharper of Pern CD
• Life Has Infinite Joy - "Infinite Joy" from Elegies
• I don't want to leave now that I am loved - "Finale" from Passion
• And it comes to be - Fade to Black by Metallica
• Praise be to the mind of God - "Montage: Coda" from The Hidden Sky
• Learn Your Lessons Well - "Learn Your Lessons Well" from Godspell
• Cleansed by fire; I may seem only half-glued, but I can see right through you - "Cleansed by Fire" by Alice Cooper
• Is this real life? - "Real Life" from tick... tick... BOOM!
• It's a sign, it's a sign, and it's mine - "The Miracle Song" from Anyone Can Whistle
• Try the priest(s) - "A Little Priest" from Sweeney Todd
• Splendors you never have dreamed all your days... - "My Friends" from Sweeney Todd