I went to Lake Junaluska yesterday! That was joyous. Saw so many people I hadn't seen in years. I'll probably be making a big post about memory soon, because of all the memories music weeks spark in me, and because I'm reading Proust, but suffice it to say that it was an absolutely lovely trip.
Lately I've found myself being anxious for no good reason. I am scared of time passing. I've been here four and a half weeks. That's not even half of my contract, but I'm still caught in the fear that I'm not "accomplishing" anything. This is a very idiotic fear. I have changed significantly since being here. I've felt it. I've felt myself slowing down, being actively aware that God's calling for my life is the most important part of living it. I've established new, healthy habits, I'm starting on a path that I believe will help me in the fast-paced, high-stress world I live in. I am striving to make my good tendencies into choices, because there is such a power in choice, and to banish my bad habits. I've been reading a LOT, I'm much more grounded, and I'm even tanner (nothing is impossible, indeed!).
And yet, I'm still plagued by the idea that I'm not doing "enough", or I'm not "getting stuff done". Most of all, I am terrified of going back to New York. Not that I do not want to, or that I don't adore everyone there, because I do. I even miss people! But every time I think about going back, I start to feel sick, with this dreadful fear that despite all the ways I have been reordering my life, I will return to New York and all of that will drop away, and I will be in the same sorry state as I was in last semester: exhausted, with no idea how to replenish myself and very little connection to God.
The underlying thread I see in all of this is accomplishment and progress. America is a society that puts these at the highest value possible. We get things done. We work to get the highest test scores so we can get into the "best" college so we can get a degree that gets us a good job that lets us retire early. While this makes us highly efficient, and we grow quickly in wonderful ways because of it, I wonder what it makes us overlook. What do we sacrifice for this progress? I suspect it's something very fundamental about living. I've always hated the idea of retirement, because it seems to me that it pushes actually living your life to a chunk of time at the end of it. One of my favorite novelists, when asked if he was ever going to retire, said, "And do what - write that novel I always wanted to write?" It has always made more sense to me to spend your life in pursuit of doing what you love to do, instead of working mindlessly and pointlessly for 40 or so years until you can finally "take the time" to actually live.
But even with this, I find myself caught in the race of progress and accomplishment. Even looking at it and thinking it's stupid, even repeating "store up not for yourselves treasures on earth," I don't truly understand what it means to live without it. At the end of last semester, I said to myself that I did not want my first third year to be about a product, I wanted it to be about a goal. It's been my experience that in pursuit of a goal, even if you don't "accomplish" the goal, something else happens and it is celebrated by its own value; whereas in pursuit of a product, anything that is not that product is rejected. I worked on a piece last semester that I thought turned out to be a strong, provoking piece, but the creator seemed to not see the value of it because it was not what they originally intended. So much was lost in that blindness. I feel like a goal will help me orient and keep enough of the progress momentum that is needed when you're working on a piece that will eventually be seen by an audience (there is definite need for accomplishment and progress for that), but not box me in and blind me.
Still, this is a trap so easy to fall into. And I find myself so unable to shake myself away from it because it's pretty much all I know. Christianity deals with it by moving that accomplishment out of this world, promising a reward after this life. Yes, yes - but what do we do in this life? Working to bring God's kingdom upon the earth is progress oriented but not accomplishment oriented. Never in my life will I look around and say, "Okay, God's kingdom is here, I'm done now." So what do I do when I'm progressing, but not accomplishing? I think our focus on accomplishment blinds us to something. I suspect it's something about the value of all the things we do and see and experience. But I'm still very blind, myself.
I know that one of the things I need to do, which will help me see what I wouldn't think to look for, is study abroad. I've never even been outside of the US on a trip or anything. The farthest from home I've been is Branson, Missouri. I'm looking to study in either Paris or Florence the first semester of my 4th year. I'm leaning towards Florence because the class selection looks better, but I'm still undecided. Thoughts about that are welcome. But for now, I'll rewatch Candide and Pippin, and pray for the sight to see what I'm missing when I'm busy "getting things done".
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