I have a form of depression called Recurrent Brief Depression. This means that once or twice a month, unrelated to menstruation or anything like that, I lapse into depressive episodes that last a few days. They're pretty much identical to major depressive episodes, except they're really short. I am not seeking therapy or medication for this. Therapy wouldn't be that effective because they're short biological blips, not something that I have to work out, and as for medication, I am extremely paranoid about anything that messes with my brain, particularly because my brain does not operate "normally" - I also have synaesthesia, and I don't want drugs messing with that. Also, the side effects of anti-depressants are nasty, and not worth it, in my mind, for brief episodes. (And I'm not sure if they'd be worse since I wouldn't actually need the medication all the time.)
I have my own methods of dealing with this. Since I know the episodes will be over in a matter of days, I'm not going to do anything drastic. I try to channel the energy into something creative as opposed to destructive. I'm usually strikingly artistic during these periods, to find some kind of outlet. I mentioned in an earlier entry that I'll paint on myself. That is a way for me to convert the destructive energy that used to lead me to self-mutilation, into something creative. (I believe that the way to move on from depression, particularly the major depression I went through in middle and high school, is not to run away and deny the urges, but to find a healthier way to deal with them when they come up. Because they WILL resurface, at least occasionally.)
Yes, I deal with it, and I deal with it pretty well. I keep moving on and rarely does anyone have any idea, then a new day breaks and everything's even again. But still, there are times when it is absolutely agonizing. When I'm not even in a creative flurry, because there's nothing that will accurately express so what's the point of trying at all? It is these times when I've got to hold on fast and just get through.
Last night was one of those times. No particular reason except some biological function of my body. Except yesterday, my mother gave me a car key, so I got off work (relatively early for the evening shift), and drove, listening to a musical I rarely listen to because of the emotional past it holds.
I found myself, unsuprisingly, at Lake Junaluska.
I'll talk more about Lake J later, because I'm going back there today (for a very exciting reason), but Lake J has held me close and nurtured me throughout my life, and sitting there last night I was overcome with how much I love that place.
At Lake Junaluska, I found myself walking the labyrinth.
Labyrinths are spiritual walks that have always resonated with me. I first walked a labyrinth during a particularly difficult part of 6th grade, and ever since it seems like God sends a labyrinth my way when things are difficult. I walked the labyrinth that was relatively recently cut into the grass at Lake J in the dark (I remember when the labyrinth was new and not nearly as trodden as it is now). When I reached the center, I cried out to God, selflishly, imperfectly, humanly.
O God, you who use everything; use my brokenness, and through its use, may I be healed!
God does use everything. There is light in everything. May I find the light even in this.
Today, I'm going over to Lake J to visit RHONDA, who I think I haven't seen since 2007? That is a travesty. One of my pastors (she has long since left Bon Air, but she will always be one of my pastors - as will Christy), Rhonda is an absolutely remarkable woman who I am so glad to call my friend and sister in Christ. Seeing her always does me well.
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